Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
