I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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