Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
