legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
