You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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