i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis