I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed