it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
