Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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