Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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