last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
