i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
