you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
