I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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