I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I don't deserve a penis
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize