we're chasing vodka with high fives
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
