im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
