A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
