Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
