dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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