i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
