I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
