Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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