i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
