Pants 0. Shit 1.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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