Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
