I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
