when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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