i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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