Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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