Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
