I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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