Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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