Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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