Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
