I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
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I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize