why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
