saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
