I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
