and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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