just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
