If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
