Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
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Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
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Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He shit in the fireplace
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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