I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
