At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
