hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
