Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize