tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
