Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
