i need an iv and a liver transplant
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Someone came in the potted fern
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
