dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
