You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
