Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
