Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
