You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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