Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She even gives head with a lisp.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
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Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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