She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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