Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
