dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Slut skills are useful in every country.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
