Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
