Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
