3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
