Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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