This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
